But first, a look at boundaries
and getting clear on what they
are.
Have you ever felt uneasy after saying no, fearing you’ve let someone down?
I used to struggle with this. I
thought that if I refused to do
something, I was demanding
more of others. Today, I think
of it as creating a boundary for
myself.
I recognise that setting boundaries is not about letting others down but about honouring my own needs.
With boundaries, we are not dictating what others can or can’t do. Instead, we are only dealing with our actions. We are saying no to the idea that we are responsible for doing something we really don’t want to do because someone else wants us to.
By taking care of ourselves with boundaries, we are more empowered to be the person we “want” to be as opposed to the person people think we “should” be. When we do things to satisfy “I should”, it almost always disconnects us from our hearts, authenticity and those around us.
Boundaries help us maintain self-connection and cultivate more compassion toward ourselves and others.
Similarly, if we apply this approach to how we accept support from others, then we don’t want them to be doing things that they don’t want to do either.
Creating and accepting boundaries can enhance the quality of life by empowering us to live in a “voluntary world”, where people (including me) do what we do from our hearts.
A demand is when we want someone to do something, without awareness or consideration of their needs. Unlike requests and boundaries, demands don’t consider people’s need for choice.
I want to be able to hear “no” if I want to stay in connection and respect other’s needs.
Likewise, I want to be able to say “no”, so I can have a choice and self-expression. If I say “yes” when my heart is saying “no”, I will ultimately feel resentful and disconnected.
Looking back, if we only try to meet our needs, especially at others’ expense, eventually we’re going to pay for that. It’s not going to work if people don’t trust that we equally consider their needs.
Interdependence is about loving rather than needing. We genuinely want to share and give. There is no desire to get. The emphasis on how to give unconditionally.
Interdependence is more of a state of being a “gift” to the other.
People often find both hearing a “no” to their request and saying “no” to someone’s request to be difficult and sometimes, it triggers fear, anxiety, and freeze-or-please reactions.
We often think if we say “no” to another person, they won’t like us and, if we hear a “no” to our request, it means we won’t get what we want.
It’s comforting to note that when we hear a “no” from someone, they are not saying no to us; they are saying no to our request. Exploring the needs behind the no offers a new way to navigate these moments, opening up new possibilities for you and the others’ needs to be met. I know, pretty sweet, right?
Step 1.
Clarify your request and the reasons behind it.
Step 2.
Hear and accept no from the other person and explore the needs behind their response. Are they needing more freedom, love, respect or safety?
Step 3
Stay connected and find new ideas or possibilities to meet both your needs. It may involve support from others.
Step 1.
Before saying no to the other, guess the needs they are trying to meet by making their request. Are they needing more freedom, love, respect or safety?
Step 2.
Pause, breathe, then say no to their request and state your reasons why. Ask how they feel about what you’ve said.
Step 3.
Stay connected. Make a new request to get both of your needs met or ask the other person if they have a request/strategy that would do this. It may involve support from others.
This communication approach is about considering our responses to create a sense of safety, trust and understanding before addressing shared needs.
I hope you enjoy exploring this new connection pattern. Observe its impact on your inner world and relationships with others as you use reason and sensitive understanding to connect throughout your day. I look forward to sharing more with you in time!
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Jo's Saines, Manager
Step 1.
Clarify your request and the reasons behind it.
Step 2.
Hear and accept no from the other person and explore the needs behind their response. Are they needing more freedom, love, respect or safety?
Step 3
Stay connected and find new ideas or possibilities to meet both your needs. It may involve support from others.
Step 1.
Before saying no to the other, guess the needs they are trying to meet by making their request. Are they needing more freedom, love, respect or safety?
Step 2.
Pause, breathe, then say no to their request and state your reasons why. Ask how they feel about what you’ve said.
Step 3.
Stay connected. Make a new request to get both of your needs met or ask the other person if they have a request/strategy that would do this. It may involve support from others.
Jo's Saines, Manager
This communication approach is about considering our responses to create a sense of safety, trust and understanding before addressing shared needs.
I hope you enjoy exploring this new connection pattern. Observe its impact on your inner world and relationships with others as you use reason and sensitive understanding to connect throughout your day. I look forward to sharing more with you in time!
Jo's Saines, Manager
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